My Favorite Midnight Again — I'll Sleep After This One

A midnight confession: on power fantasies, exhaustion, and a premonition of how life is going to turn out.

A midnight confession. **The author admits he loves reading and writing power-fantasy stories, yet cannot write one for his own life** — his family scrapes by, relatives have bankrolled tens of thousands in tuition and living expenses, and he has a premonition it will "probably be a Bad Ending." He is glad this awareness came in college rather than middle school; otherwise every goal he set back then would now seem laughable. The Normal Ending he imagines for himself is light: *rent a small room far from everyone who has ever known him, and live that quiet life of listening to rain at dawn — preferably so his family forgets they ever had a second child.* The whole piece is a calm weariness: no crying, no fuss, just laying out the fact that he has already done his best to change the trajectory of his life.*

I actually like reading power-fantasy stories, and I like writing them too, but when it comes to my own life, I really can’t write one. I just feel like my life is heading for a Bad Ending. It can’t be that my family is scraping by with odd jobs, going into debt to put me through school — even though relatives have chipped in tens of thousands for tuition and living expenses — and I still end up with no good job and no future. It can’t be that every day feels empty, boring, depressing, painful, and unfulfilling. It can’t be that when I’m dragged out to have fun, the smile on my face is just forced.

Fortunately, it wasn’t until I got to university that I realized my life would probably end in a Bad Ending. If my younger self — before middle school — had known all this, that “there’s no hope of anything getting better,” I would have fallen into an even deeper despair.

So my mindset has changed. Every goal I set during my middle school years now seems somewhat laughable. If I went back, I probably wouldn’t achieve such great results or become the good student and inspirational role model I was in the eyes of my classmates and teachers back then.

My Normal Ending is: find a place far from anyone who has ever known me throughout my life, rent a small room, and live the life I’ve always talked about wanting.

I wish my family could just forget about me, as if this second child never existed. Not in the family household, not in the wider clan — as if this person simply doesn’t exist. After all, I’m a second child, and I’ve never felt very important growing up. I’ve never felt like I had any particular purpose. Sometimes I even feel like I’m just a burden.

If my entire life, ever since I was sent away to be raised by others, was destined for a Bad Ending — well, I’ve already done everything in my power to change its trajectory.

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